ICE WOMAN OF THE NORTH
About a month ago I was given a super power. Now I’m just like one of those characters in that TV show “Heroes”. I know how Superman and Wonder Woman feel. And let me tell you, it isn’t half bad. In fact, it’s incredible.
My special power is the ability to walk on ice. Since unseasonably warm weather has turned our roads, driveways and parking lots into skating rinks, this power couldn’t have come at a better time.
While mere mortals are creeping along, their little hearts leaping for joy at the sight of a handful of sand to grit their way, I am striding straight up the middle of icy driveways in a single bound. Well, in several fairly quick steps anyway.
Since discovering my ability I have become a walking fool. You can’t keep me inside. While neighbours gape out their windows in wonder from the safety of their indoor treadmills, I am outside walking on ice. When you pause to think about it, I’m really only a few degrees away from walking on water. I’m thinking it’s only a matter of time before the folks at Marvel Comics show up to do a series on me.
To tell you the truth, that has me a bit worried. What kind of outfit will they want me to wear? Everyone knows that super heroes wear tight fitting suits. Just look at cat woman. Skin tight rubber is not a good look for a 40-something woman with, well, let’s call it close to 10 pounds to lose. Even Halle Berry said she had to lose weight and get in the best shape she has ever been in order to play Cat Woman. And she was Halle Berry to begin with. I have never been in good enough shape to play a pancake in an elementary school play, let alone Ice Woman.
If nothing else, it has motivated me to walk faster. Sometimes I even break into a jog and work up a real sweat. Mostly I like to focus on my hero capability rather than my waist line.
I am Ice Woman hear me crunch! I will let you hang on to my coat tail and pull you up slippery slopes. If I come across you pussy footing along on a slippery sidewalk, I will extend you my arm. If there is a 70% off sale I will hurry you safely across the parking lot. If someone’s kitten should get itself stranded in the middle of an ice covered yard, I will come crunching to the rescue. “Here you go honey,” I will say, depositing the kitten safe and warm into a little girl’s arms, ignoring the annoying man who keeps insisting it’s his kitten, but wouldn’t suit the comic strip story line at all.
About now you are probably wondering two things. Possibly more. One is whether or not our northern winters have finally sent me over the edge. The other is whether or not our northern winters have finally sent me over the edge. However, the less sceptical among you might be thinking, “How did Shannon get her super power anyway?”
The source of my power did not come about from being exposed to questionable chemicals. It did not come via an alien from an Ice Planet in a galaxy far, far, away. I did not get it after being bitten by a cat. Or by a spider. Nor did I receive bionic feet when I was rebuilt after an unfortunate accident. My super power came in a package from a store. Inside the package was a pair of rubber tracks that fit over the sole of my boot with steel ice picks for biting the ice.
I suppose it could be argued that for just under 30 bucks, anyone could have this super power for themselves, which doesn’t really make it a super power at all but where’s the fun in that kind of thinking? I should also add that even if you buy some ice tracks for yourself, I am still the one small children should point to and call “Ice Woman”. Because I said it first, that’s why.
Shannon McKinnon is a humour columnist from the Peace River country. When she’s not rescuing kittens in a single bound, you can reach her at contact@shannonmckinnon.com
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