THIS JUST IN – ACTOR’S AREN’T REAL!
I was watching a commercial the other night when an astonishing revelation was revealed to the viewing public. Actors aren’t real. There it was, scrolling across the bottom of the screen for everyone to read: “Real people. Not Actors.”
It confirmed what I have subconsciously known all along. I mean who could really look like an actor? Snow white teeth, Barbie doll waist, enough hair to produce 16 wigs. And that’s just the men. Don’t even get me started on the women! They wake up in the morning in full makeup with every hair in place, teeth sparkling, nails polished. You just know that their breath smells like mouthwash. They could wash down a dozen garlic cloves with a case of beer before falling into bed and they would still wake up with minty fresh breath. It was always a bit suspect.
It’s a relief to finally find out that actors are produced in a lab. Now that I’m over the shock I’m actually okay with them being robots – really I am. Better than okay even. I’m practically euphoric. Maybe I’ll never be svelte, polished and too sexy for the cover of Vogue, but at least I’m real.
I kind of feel sorry for those poor actors.
Imagine going through life all pre-programmed and artificial like that. Having all your dialogue written for you ahead of time. Imagine never being allowed a nanosecond of spontaneity. Not ever having a thought to call your own. You wouldn’t be able to do your own hair or makeup or even pick out your own clothes. And pity the poor actors you see riding around in the back of limos. They must be the ones who were never programmed to drive. Not only are they the cheap versions, they are forced to ride around in big long stretch limos that you can’t help but notice, even if you’re polite and pretend not to. They might as well have the words “cheaply programmed” tattooed across their foreheads. Maybe they do.
I wonder what they do with the actors after they have lost their popularity. Do they put them in storage until a talk show wants them or they’re needed for a ‘where are they now’ segment? Or do they ship them back to the factory and use them for parts? Or do they just slap a different face on them and send them back out?
It might be cool to buy a has-been actor and have them programmed to do your house and yard work. Stuff like that. I mean, now that the secret is out of the bag there’s little use in pretending that kind of technology doesn’t exist is there? Even if you could never afford the original Angelina Jolie or Owen Wilson, I don’t see why they couldn’t run off a few carbon copies. Or perhaps there’s some background actors in a warehouse that wouldn’t set a person back too much, provided you didn’t care if they were ever famous. I mean, a clean toilet is a clean toilet no matter who cleans it, right? Just so long as it’s not you, life is good.
I bet most of the actors are already programmed for housework. Have you ever noticed the kitchens on the sitcoms? They positively gleam. The sink sparkles so bright it hurts to look at it. The countertops never have so much as a crumb or bread bag clip on them. I bet after they finish shooting the scene they pull up the actor’s shirts, flip a switch on their backs and put them into set cleaning mode. While the directors and script writers sleep all snug in their beds, Tina Fey and Charlie Sheen bustle about robotically scrubbing and polishing everything in sight.
I wonder if rock stars are robots too. What about our world leaders? Could they be made of vinyl, synthetics and microchips? That explains everything.
Shannon McKinnon is a humour columnist from the Peace River country. You can reach her at peacecountry@msn.com
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