BLAMING THE MONTH OF MARCH
My mouth hasn’t changed much in the whole time I have owned it, so how is it that a person can forget the perimeters of their own mouth? Somehow, that’s exactly what I did. One minute I was enjoying an apple and the next I was biting my tongue.
You don’t realize the power in those incisors until you bite yourself. So there I am clutching my face in pain and the only explanation I can give is I seem to have forgotten how to chew.
It gets worse. The other day I actually managed to fall up the stairs. Falling down the stairs is one thing; I can do that in my sleep. Falling up them is quite another. Who knew I even possessed such a unique athletic ability? Certainly not me. Or Cosmo who was about as amazed as a dog can be.
Then, just when I thought things couldn’t get much stranger, I was involved in a laundry mishap. I had tossed a load of clothes into the dryer on my way out the door to feed the animals. I returned just as the dryer tumbled to a halt. It was a cold morning and as I gathered the fresh laundry in my arms I couldn’t resist burying my face in its warmth. I didn’t figure on the sweater with a zipper being on top of the pile. In case you didn’t already know, a metal zipper can retain a surprising amount of dryer heat. I have the burn marks on my face to prove it.
This has all led to some bizarre conversations.
“Goodness, what happened to your face?”
“I burned it warming up in the laundry.”
“You did what? I think I misunderstood; you’re talking kind of funny. Is something wrong with your mouth?”
“I bit my tongue while eating an apple.”
“And you’re limping too! What happened to your leg?”
“I fell up the stairs.”
And to think that only a week ago I was writing about feeling like a super hero; calling myself “Ice Woman” on account of my amazing ability to walk the glacier crusted pathways of the Peace. My ice walking super power came via a pair of steel studded tracks that fit neatly over the soles of my boots.
I wonder if there’s a similar gadget for protecting a person’s tongue from their own incisors. Or any devices to prevent a person from falling up a flight of stairs? Or a face protector to wear when you are doing laundry?
I blame it all on the month of March; the month where a perfectly useful brain turns to sludge. Last weekend I was hosting a supper where the guests witnessed me putting the electric hand mixer away. That doesn’t sound so surprising; until you consider that I put it in the fridge. Given all my previous admissions, maybe that won’t surprise you in the least.
I think I have the answer for all these woes and more; the perfect antidote for klutziness, forgetfulness and general failure to think. Best of all – unlike the ice trackers - this antidote is absolutely free. No hidden fees, no deferred payments and no shipping and handling charges. The bad news is that it will take at least six more weeks for delivery. The antidote? Spring.
Shannon McKinnon is a humour columnist from the Peace River country. You can reach her at contact@shannonmckinnon.com
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